An Emotional Status Report

So I am up two pounds.

I half thought about not posting at all, but I am trying to be honest in this process.

So just a warning, this is not the blog post you are expecting.  Or at least this is not the blog post I am supposed to write. 

I am supposed to say that what I am trying do is big and will take a long time.  That I am waging a war, and although there will be one or two battles lost along the way, that I am pressing on.  That I will not be shaken from my goals.

But I am shaken.  I am deflated, mad, frustrated and discouraged.

It makes me a little crazy.  It makes me feel justified in being neurotic in my food choices because when I give myself any slack the weight comes back on.  Which makes me think this won't be an eating plan I can maintain.

And the worst of it is that all it takes is a little setback to wake my demons. The ones that whisper in my ear that I cannot change.  That things do not change.  I mentioned before and I will explain more later on that this feeling of changelessness has been burned in me because of the illness of a loved one.  So when it comes to these kinds of thoughts, the feelings are hard and painful.

Two pounds, two small pounds is all it takes to throw me.  This is not a good color on me.

I know that what I do with this set back will tell me how determined I really am.  It will tell me whether this goal of mind is something I will chase after or if it’s just a fad.  And I do love my fads. (Live on slap bracelets. Live on.)

So, after all my pity partying, complaining, ranting, fist-shaking to the sky, and shame-spiraling into a box of Lorna Doones, (kidding) what will I do?   I don't feel like I have much of a choice.  I want better things for my health.  I want to be free from this body.  I want to be healthy to chase my child around for years to come.

So I press on.  I ask the Lord to quiet all my fears.  And that He will give me an extra measure of strength in this great hour of weakness. And maybe throw out the Lorna Doones.

Deep breath.  Courage to the sticking place.  Eyes on the Lord.