The Comeback Kid

I have walked away from blogging a little bit. I didn’t walk away completely from the overall challenge although there were some diet vacations.

Things got busy. Life got busy, and I just got fatigued by the whole thing. And once you get away it is hard to come back. 

This is true in most projects for me. Once I stop writing it is hard to get back to it. Once I go off my diet it’s hard to stare a salad in the face again. Once I stop working out I feel a little sheepish pulling on my sneakers in the morning, like somehow the sneakers know.

 “Well, well, well, look who thought she would lace us up? Are we gonna go on a little run, Steph? Is that what we’re doing now? You think you can just discard us for weeks, stick us in the corner with your uncomfortable heels? Who by the way are not the brightest pair of pumps at Payless.  Have you ever tried to have a conversation with them? Not exactly a Rhoades Scholars if you catch my drift. You think you can just discard us with Ding Bat Sling Backs over and then just pick up where we left off?!?”  (Those are some sarcastic sneakers)  

I think the problem with coming back is a problem of identity. I am trying to decide which of these actions truly defines me: am I the quitter or am I the one who tries again? Every time I pick up again after taking a break from something, I feel like the quitter merely pretending to be a doer. I feel fake, and somehow I feel like the outside world is watching me and whispering, “She’s not fooling anybody.”

Why do I default to the worse of the two settings? Maybe it’s because it’s easier to walk away. So it feels like what is easier for me to do must be closer to my true self.

I want to be seen as successful. Always going forward, never flinching or wavering in the task I set before myself.

But the truth is, I waver. I am a crazy waverer. I waver so much I would fail multiple sobriety tests. I’m Waver McWaverson. I waver so much people see me and think I’ve just taken a long journey on a swaying ship. I stumble through life on sea legs, the waverer that I am.

I doubt myself. I doubt my choice of workout or diet. I doubt my resolve. I’m afraid. I am afraid to fail and to be seen failing. I think I’m afraid that if I get it wrong and don’t succeed I’ve somehow locked in “a failure” as who I am. 

I overcharge dieting, organizing, and blogging with all these self-defining feelings, so no wonder I come back with a certain amount of anxiety. It feels like facing the music, or more accurately, facing a part of my personality I’m not proud of. 

I feel like there is a debt to be paid. I am coming back and carrying the burden of the past failures. And not only do I have to face my past failures, I also have to face my past successes, because sometimes the shining gems of my past accomplishments seem to accuse me, they have turned into millstones representing all the opportunities I’ve wasted since the times I succeeded.  

So I come back feeling I have to somehow make up for and atone for all the past mistakes. Especially in the area of healthy eating. If I walk away from that, I come back literally bearing the weight.

As I thought over these issue, I came across Philippians 3:13-14.

“But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

This refers to looking forward in our spiritual walk. I’ve always been taught that “forgetting those things” means past failures and success.

I always read this verse taking away the idea that past success don’t count tomorrow. That you can’t rest on your laurels. But in the light of this current issue, I find that the idea of a clean slate, of forgetting all that is behind, both the failures that claim to define me and the successes that demand I don’t put them to waste, is a freeing concept. The idea that I can take my failures not as a cross to bear but as lessons learned.

It is also important to remember what defines me. Christ. His death on the cross that saved my life, and my purpose to glorify God. And that is it. 

And to remember what is the “goal” and the “prize” that I press on towards, which is not to be a size two. Or to stick to the strictest of diets so that I can hold it as a source of pride, but rather to glorify God.  In this situation, I am to glorify God in being a good steward of my body. 

And to put a finer point on it, to be a good steward of my body, today. Just today.  I just have to worry about the choices I make today.  Not absolving for past mistakes, not defining myself with every bite, just doing my best, today.

So shut it up, shoes. It’s time to move forward.

For the record, I’ve lost 27 pounds