Tear Drops on my Kale

Every time I eat, I experience what I like to call the “tyranny of the healthiest choice.” 

For example, I am at Chipotle and I am choosing a meal.  I avoid the burrito because the tortilla is flour.  I order a vegetarian brown rice bowl.  I go through a little check list in my head. Vegetables – good, check.  Brown rice – good, check.  Guacamole – good fats, check.  

 I feel fairly comfortable with my decision and sit down to eat.

But as I eat the doubts creep in. “Is this ok? Maybe I should have gotten a salad instead of the rice.  But the salad comes with dressing that is probably high in sugar.  Maybe I should have got this without cheese.  Isn’t cheese high in fat?  Wait, is that the good fat?  What is sour cream to the dieting world? Fat? Good fat? It’s sour, like sourdough bread.  Does that mean it has the potential to have lactobacillus?  OK, Steph, you know you’re pretty much saying sour cream is yogurt…wait, is it?!  I got veggies.  I like veggies.  Veggies are good, everyone says so… maybe I should have gotten beef.  A little more protein to feed my metabolism.  Or does that slow down your liver?  No, the beans have protein – no wait, are they a starch?  Avocado has protein, right? Am I eating any protein!?! Wait, what was sour cream again?”

And I pick the components of my plate apart and run through different meal ideas.  Every article I have read on nutrition starts flipping through my head, along with pieces of advice I have gotten from people.  All weighed and measured for their merit.  I try to come up with some sort of hybrid answer to what should be on my plate, but everything feels a little wrong.  I can never eat with confidence.

The "low calorie me" gets in a fight with the "low carb me", and the result is me crying into a bowl of kale.  (Wait, doesn’t too much kale affect your thyroid?)

I think this main problem comes from a very insecure part of me.  The part of me that really cares about what people think, the part of me that really wants to get it right.

I want people to see what I am eating and marvel at my brilliant choice.

You see; when you struggle with your weight you always feel like people are watching you eat.  This might come from the fact that you watch everyone else eat.

Actually, this is probably just me.  I watch what people eat like I am writing a field journal on human consumption.

**in a British accent**

“Now as we come upon the feeding ground of the food court, we see the thin couple eating a grilled chicken sandwich, while the larger man consumes something called a chalupa.  So one can deduce that chicken sandwiches lead to the more slender frame and chalupas to the more robust.”

(For the record, if you are ever making a food joke, “chalupa” is by far the funniest food word of the 20^th century.  Before that it was “mutton.”)

On the self-conscious obsessive flip side, I want onlookers not to judge me by my size but by my plate.  I want them to think, “She is heavy, but look at that salad.  She is really trying.  No judgment here, only encouragement.”  *thumbs up*

So you see the importance of having the right things on my plate.  Everyone is watching.  If I don’t get it right, I am not a dieting fat girl; I am a fat girl getting it wrong in the food department again.  

This is what the psychological community would call “crazy talk.”  Crazy or not, it still rattles around in my silly head.

As I was putting this piece together my morning devotions brought up Matthew 6.

Verse 25 says:

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

Now this verse is not for written for people that are trying to decide whether or not they should eat sour cream.  It is written as a comfort for those who do not know where their next meal is coming from. (How is that for perspective?)  

But the line that stands out to me is “is not life more than food…”

I think it is important to figure out what food choices are healthy for my body.  I am not being a good steward of my body to remain this size. So I will do more research on which diet plan I should follow and try to make the best choices in His strength.

But all this obsessing about what is on my plate and your plate and what not; well it’s a waste of my life.  

There is “more” to every part of this scenario.  There are more important things than what I ate today or what I will eat tomorrow.  There is more to other people besides what is on their plates.  There is more to me than a chubby girl with a salad.  

Life is more than food.